blessing, not burden

i have a confession to make. i have absolutely no desire to blog anymore. got myself better things to do now... 

like soak up this new entrancing little being in our home!

it's true. there's something about her that's so magnetic, so transcendent you just want to sit there and oogle her all day long. to think a tiny seven pound frame could not only radiate, but bring about so much emotion.. it’s indescribable really. and i promise im not just saying that to be corny... every visitor has felt the same. as if her very presence draws you closer to the heart of God. 

pure innocence. she is something special.

but.... let's not get overly romantic. she is still a newborn. which means behind all those angelic photos is serious work.. yes, she fusses, and poops and parties in her crib at 3am. and... she might've even stayed overnight in the hospital this past week. needless to say, there's been some major adjusting in our household. and really, you'd think with 3 newborns under my belt, i'd have this down pat. however, there are many new dynamics in play. think: 4th child + adoption + Down Syndrome = unchartered waters. i have never had to handle weekly phone calls from a distressed birthmom, or frantic, tearful drives to the hospital, or bottle feeding (attachment is not as natural a process), or keeping pace with the olders routines of school and baseball and gymnastics and places to be at specific times - much less a preschool to run 3 days a week! (when Nick was born Evan was three. i had no place to be but home)... so i guess it's safe to say i'm still fumbling through it all... and i wonder now if this is part of the cross i was called to bear in order to call her daughter. this under-confident, on my toes, out of control feeling... way to keep me humble, God.

we've gotten lots of questions regarding her medical condition and we are so thankful to say they are minimal at this point. no heart defects or organ abnormalities, praise God! she does have all the typical Downs features but only time can tell the severity. even with all the lab work they do no one can tell us what may develop in the future.. oh it's torturous, the excessive amounts of tests they do - even for what might be considered common in a newborn..  the docs feel they must cover every base. i swear this precious babe has been prodded and poked more in her first two weeks of life, than i have in my entire life. for that, i grieve for her. i grieve over the pain she might have to experience for the card she was dealt. 

but don't get me wrong, i don’t grief her. she is a joy. a light. a blessing, not a burden. we love her because we chose her. and that is what makes her little life so unique.

i am privileged to be her mama. for i was chosen as well.

smitten

it's hard to believe a week's gone by with our newest little collins at home

and OMG. you guys!!? i couldn’t be more smitten with this girl.

every hour of the day i have to come out of the trance she puts me in.

such a sweet, quiet soul..

when you hold her, you just want to cry and melt

and praise God all at the same time.

she's beautiful.

im still so speechless and

feeling so unworthy to receive such a precious gift -

how will my dull words ever do justice to the enormity of glory of God?

for now,
i'll just glow His radiance

i am blessed.

Her HOMECOMING!

 Adam and I are beyond honored to have Alli's super special HOMECOMING captured by my lovely friend, photographer, and fellow blog pal: Leslie. to be given the opportunity to be fully present for such a sweet sweet moment... one i could never forget! Thank you, friend! What a treasure for all of us!

 {Don't forget to click HD at the bottom of the video for best viewing and...
you might want to go get your tissue!}

the final piece.

que trumpets and horns everyone! 

Alli is coming HOME! 

im here in the NICU lobby waiting for shift change... and every so often i think to pinch myself. am i real? is this life of mine for real? 

a newborn baby girl was born just 7 days ago. 

and. she's. mine. 

what a gift! what an out of this world... not of this world... ridiculous... almost unbelievable GIFT! how unworthy am i to be a part of the beautiful redemptive handiwork only God could patch so seamlessly together. i am speechless. and yet my brain is ever-whirling in effort to truly grasp the grace of each and every divinely inspired piece that has fit so intricately together.  

an angel fell from heaven and straight into our arms.. and every time i look into her eyes i can't help but think she was chosen for us long before the beginning of time. i knew i’d love her, but i didn’t know that love at first sight would take hold of me in the same way it has three times before – the life altering day you meet the face of your child.

ironically, tomorrow also marks the exact day we set out to adopt. we had no idea how, or who. we had nothing to go by but the calling in our hearts and the assurance that the God who called us to it would also set our path. and man, what a path! filled with hope and joy and grief and pain and now… love.

pure self sacrificing love. for she is of the 10% who beat the odds, who was given a chance, who was allowed her right… to live. her name “defender of mankind” is why she’s here. and we pray God mightily uses her life to change those sickening statistics. 

i think about that day we felt the tug on our hearts and i remember so clearly how He began to stir us up- the passion we felt for these precious babes, the appalling number of abortions of these precious babes, the sequence of chance meetings and events that ultimately revealed His calling and namely, the divinely appointed network of people that entered our lives each and every step of the way.

all of it much like one big glorious jigsaw puzzle, with no piece identical, yet linked together ever so meticulously to the next. bit by bit, trudge by trudge we made it here through wonders i could not even begin to explain. (i will one day, i promise.)

and now sitting here waiting for her... i never thought it could be this amazing. 

that bigger picture i always talk about is finally coming together...

we bring her home tomorrow.

she is the final piece.

and this masterpiece will be complete.

She's HHHHHEEEEERE!

meet:

Alexandra Rose Collins

born April 19th 12:32pm

6lbs 2oz 19 inches

welcome to the world sweetheart
you are already so loved!!!

i'm bursting

you guys!!! our daughter is HERE! 

SHE'S HERE!!!!

Praise GOD!!!

these past few days have been so surreal.

i wish i could expand, but let me quickly say

we need your prayers.

 we need her healthy
(need her to gain weight)
we need her home ASAP.

love to you all. can't say thank you enough for all you've done
..wouldn't have gotten here without you!

thirty... and one more

*****

so it seems every year in april i have this,
this 'thing' hanging over my head.
it's mah birfday!
yes, it came.  but this year it was weird.
for the first time in birthday history i actually woke up and felt, well... old.
30 + 1.
that plus one is also known as the downward spiral of. your. youth.
how come no one told me?
thir-ty is cool.
it's fun. it's big. it's.. dirty.
but 31 doesn't roll off the tongue as well
i feel as if i suddenly crossed into the unknown territory of wrinkles, memory loss, and (gasp!) osteoporosis.
dramatic, huh?

perhaps it's just the four kids talking but
when i look back on my twenties, i laugh.
i think 'i was just a baaabbiiieee.'
now when i look in the mirror i thoroughly feel old.
like out-of-breath old. mini-van-mama old. date-night-consists-of-costco-runs-old. old.
and in ten more years i'll laugh even harder.
nevertheless, that inevitable-old only propels me on.
as if our own mortality summons us, "make time to live!"
fully live.
and that i am.

in a week's time i planned a bash.
yup, my very own.
but if you know me well and you walked into my house to see it all decor-ed up and partied out,
you'd know it's only cause i love ya.
it's just me. and my element is here, with jello shots (kidding!)
with good food, and good wine, and good people, simply celebrating life together
i named it #thelasthurrah
and gathered my best girls for massages and facials and girl-talk around the fire pit.
it was perfection.




now i'm learning that with age comes so much more...
like wisdom and deeper faith.
ever increasing glory and maturity in Christ.
i know my calling. i know my gifts.
He prepared me for them in my twenties,
now's the time to get to work.

so cheers! to thirty... and one more.
let's do this thing!

a quick note:

so i'm sure you’ve gathered, at this point, that i do not have a baby in my arms yet. sigh.

but wow, your prayers! oh how your prayers have changed things! THANK YOU!

hallelujah, the docs explained that the baby has, in fact, done a 180 the last couple days, that things were not looking very good at the beginning of the week with abnormal blow flow ratios and low fluid levels. but now! now, baby is doing much better, fluid levels rose and blow flow is perfect! it only proves how God hears our every plea and how His hand is in this.

please know, we are beyond grateful for your love and support and we continue to beg for prayer. for those prayer warriors i noted some more specific prayer requests here.

the story He is writing is so much more wild and beautiful than the one i could have ever imagined in my head.

scary and exhilarating!