on the home front

words feel so forced lately.
i want to...

trying to cope and adjust to a new normal i guess-
mostly focusing on heart change these days
and getting well.

rain clouds loom overhead
bringing renewal, comfort
and contemplation.
January brings it out too.

our family rhythm feels misplaced.
like someone pulled not only the rug from beneath my feet, but the ground too
lost in transition
with so much up in the air to juggle and filter through
im kind of a day to day wreck.

i've got big plans to streamline our days
specifically with less overall gadgets and more play and togetherness.
mama sets the tone, does she not?
we've made claims to open our doors more this year -
to stop the idolization of our nuclear family and what's convenient
and go out of our way to be a haven, a place for anyone to come and take a load off.
screw my need for a perfectly clean house, or laundry that needs folding
judge away, people matter more.

i've thrown myself hard into the preschool
adding an extra day and moving into more wide open spaces (we sold our pool table)
it's a place of joy and freedom for me
i love to teach,
i love the structure, and the variety.
i love the eager eyes and innocent inquiries.
oh the simplistic mindset of a 4 year old.
sometimes i think, there is no place i feel more...myself.
silly, huh?

adam is working hard in the ER still.
busy as ever with continued education courses.
i hate those. though im considering some myself.
he's happy, thriving really, with serious trauma walking through the door daily.
i almost puked one night as he came to see me off to bed (he gets home around midnight).
he sat across from me on the chair, crossing his ankle over his knee, when i noticed bright red marks on the bottom of his shoe.. obviously blood. i gasped! The dog was licking it.
"oh that? just a gunshot to the head. she tried to kill herself after a fight with her husband."
"is she okay?"
"no."
seriously?! i would need daily therapy if that was my job. the worst is stories of kids. i just can't.
a firm belief in God, not to mention adrenaline, keeps him running smooth. He's ok otherwise, grieving too in his own way, and looking forward to a much needed vacation - he's a dreamer.

Evan is as happy as a clam in Kinder. still excelling in all things creative. homework is not his thing, let me say. and we are working on reading through the Bob books. keeping him focused is the biggest challenge. i wonder how 1st grade will be for him. and i worry. im actually taking tips on the matter. He starts baseball in a month which is beyond exciting for our family. baseball is in his blood - so i've been told. my dad was more than a fan, in fact it was the last thing he was doing before his death.

Rachel, believe it or not, has grown to become our easiest child. still stubborn, still sneaky, but mostly helpful and affectionate. it's odd how quickly the tables turn with every season of motherhood.. you just never know. she is also very much into arts and crafts- between the two of them, we probably go through a ream of paper a day. and tell me, what do you do with bottomless piles of art work? we are looking into a niche for her. gymnastics with her cousin is a possibility..

Nick is our screecher. he doesn't help much with anything and he likes to argue pretty much everything. you say black, he says white. it doesn't matter what you say, he wants the last word. he's sweet but he's terrible in that way. he's two, and so i give him that. they all had their trying ages. 2.5 seems to be the magic number for tantrums and terribleness. Nick is mostly aloof playing happily with his cars which makes me feel so disconnected to him. like he's got the bottom of the barrel mommy. and that's weird since he is the baby. but for the most part, he's very undemanding. food is still an issue. he'll eat snacks all day and that's okay because he's so thin. it's a battle we can't even really fight with his low weight.

Seamus is a dream come true in many ways, but i must admit we've had our "too good to be true moments" more than a handful of times.. we found he likes butter. and he is a pretty good escape artist. mostly though, he is a huge comfort to me in this time of heartache and i couldn't be more thankful for him...

anyhow i started off saying i had no words and look at me now... i can't shut up..

no news on E. still waiting, hoping and praying.
we've been discussing plan B and C and D regarding what now?
somehow foster care keeps coming to the surface.
yet i have no clue if that is a plunge im ready to take..
from what i've been told
it's a huge time commitment
and your heart breaks over and over again
but it's a meantime sort of thing.
and maybe why it'd be good for us.
we will revisit any decisions in a couple more months and with that we pray it's as clear as day.

anyhow, i should really shut up now. hope this doesn't sound depressing. ;(

enjoy this rainy weekend.
oh, and any wise advice is welcomed. thank you!


here's a dump.

Lumpia is a new obsession...

christmas vacation ended pretty abruptly.. with this monster in my closet

family prayer and worship night

ringing in the new year with a one on one movie date

we were able to watch big kid movies like Transformers and Indiana Jones!

He's been a God send

  i eat a lot of chocolate these days - this being my 3rd bar

we tried G's again.... for like one day.

 

Family movie matinee: WRECK IT RALPH!

a gnarley storm

 

when i have no real sugar in the house i turn to

 

we might open shop...she is quite the pretzel twister

a most thoughtful gift from a fellow adoptive mama and friend... love her!

that's not fire. it's a sight for sore eyes.. sunsets are my favorite.

yes, chocolate comes in many forms

Katie's words are very similar to mine.. she called her beginnings in Uganda a paradox, also the call to "Feed my Sheep" is interpreted "Feed my lambs" as in children.

the new classroom

family game night!

"harry, wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?"

yes, i cut his bangs (he couldn't see!)

eavesdropping on her convos with her sister, E

it's snowing!!! (or it's me throwing shaved ice in the air for a lesson on snow)

above me bed. i wish it helped.

shaking up the mornings.

baseball signups!

it's in my blood too!

i've never had chapped bleeding skin on my knuckles... i feel old!

what?

practicing

uh-huh. stickers from TJs end up in all sorts of places.. ;)

the haircut... so sad.

Evan's twin.

tried a new recipe...lemon blueberry muffins

only good warm from the oven..