what now?

halfway into January and there's still no word on whether we can proceed to bring E home. it's a torturous thing not knowing what our next step should be. but really, the waiting game wouldn't be so bad if my heart didn't feel like it was strapped to a haphazard roller coaster with no way to get off in sight. these sharp turns and steeps have me sick. good news is quickly contradicted with bad and no one seems to be able to make heads or tails of anything...

the special needs amendment i spoke of was submitted ...and later revoked within one day! soon after that hope was lost, they claimed to uphold the one year's notice they're required to give should any changes be made to our countries bi-lateral agreement ...then said it was only for families considered "in process"- meaning our documents would've needed to be registered in country to even be considered. 

currently, a few families i know who have already cleared court, and have children waiting for them to return were said to be of the ones who could in fact bring their babies home ...yet, the battle continues. they are over there now standing boldly on the front lines against authorities who threaten to take their children back! 

just last Sunday a reported 20,000 brave souls stormed the streets to sign a petition and protest the ban. in 14 degree weather they marched with signs, outraged and ashamed of their government's actions; in doing so they put their lives at risk for helpless children - some even saying they would die for this cause ... and the government refused to consider the petition because of the protest.

it's unending and it's unnerving.

i go to bed now- phone in hand- scrolling R's recent headlines. because they have 12 hours on us i wake at a dreaming 4am from the light of a blue screen 'something new?!', i am restless. for near 3 weeks it's consumed me.  and truthfully, i'm at an utter loss for what i am to be doing in this, sort of, meantime. i can't keep pace with the emotions, who said hearsay should have such control?

whether it's anxiety or just plain fear, albeit warranted, i won't allow it any longer! 

fear is a liar bred through unnecessary guilt.

it resolves to tell me stepping back is giving up...  moving forward is forgetting... living life is leaving her behind. 

but life must continue. 'cause if i claim to believe in a sovereign God of Love, a God who is Good and Just, then i need to rest in that. really rest. bad things happen everyday in this world, in this life, even (if not especially) for those who believe upon His name, yet we are still safe in His eternal arms. 

1 Corinthians 13:12 states, "Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. 

more often than not His reasons remain unknown to us... though that's difficult to accept, i take comfort in knowing i worship a God who cannot quite be figured out by a limited being such as myself.

the bigger picture has yet to be revealed. 

hope endures. and when nothing else does, hope endures all the more. i fully believe E was promised to us,  she was put in our lives for a reason. that's why we will wait as long as it takes, whether 6 months or six years - in this life or the next, she will (always) be a part of our family. we've mourned a loss (if but temporarily), but we will never, not ever, give up on her. she is not forgotten even though our lives must carry on. 

a few things i want you all to know... 

this pilgrimage was never merely our journey, YOU, many of you were/are very much a part of it - so so many showed up in 1000 different ways. we are blessed to know many of you, thank you!, and for the anonymous few - may God bless your generosity! for a quick minute during this time of mourning i believed this whole thing was over-turned - through an an incorrect translation or whatever it was -  it was as if this whole ban never happened, E was ours! at that moment a perfect stranger emailed to say they would loan us every cent we needed that minute to expedite her adoption. speechless, humbled, amazed! God is most definitely still at work!

... i only wish i had a clue as to what's up His sleeve for us - for her. all i know at this juncture is He wants us to move forward - to stop the guilt that breeds the fear. TO BE STILL AND KNOW THAT HE IS GOD (gosh, that sounds familiar!). i can only hope He will bring Glory to His name that much more and make this miserable waiting well worth it. thankfully, my gut tells me He's doing just that.

you may not hear a whole lot about E for a little while - unless the tide has turned, of course! in moving forward, i am embracing the three i have, pouring in joy with what i've got. not to forget her, rather to alleviate some of the pain in ways i can, and allow healing.

FYI: for those of you who have contributed to E's fund, we wanted to thank you- endlessly we thank you, to infinity we thank you, to the moon and back we thank you. please know your donations will sit untouched.. unless otherwise noted here. that said, one of our while-we-wait-plans/prayers is to look into adopting elsewhere - and come back to her when/if R decides to lift the ban. we realize there is enough money should we choose a cheaper country (the Philippines, Peru and Hong Kong were of the few we could afford at this very moment). time will tell us more. until then we move forward, we live. prayers for all of the above please? and thank you!

so i guess that's it for now. it's back to your regularly scheduled blog ... although, you know, i am forever changed, forever... a cracked pot life. 

for E~