i set out to see.
i started the year in a total funk. feeling lost. feeling... betrayed. wondering why. why on earth do i come here to pour out my soul, and for the world to see? half the time putting my foot in my mouth or wishing i hadn't been so vulnerable. half the time thinking im a fool for hitting publish. i have journals more raw than this, why here?
because no matter how uncomfortable this place becomes for me, God purposes our passions for his glory.. so here i am.
the truth is, it hurts. everything i've treasured (i.e. written about) for the past 9-10 months has been ruthlessly ripped from my hands.
with that, it's hard to know where to pick up the pieces in this space. before clicking 'new post' i usually go back to review previous posts, to see where i left off. well that's not been easy of late. and some days a part of me wishes i could simply erase the past year, or better, create a whole new blog- one that doesn't cause such pain every time i put finger to key. that's grief talking.
i think about her often. i know there is a little girl that's already mine. she is waiting too. waiting for a real life childhood, waiting for a mommy to call her own, for a daddy who loves her uniquely and unconditionally, siblings who continue to crayon her presence into every family portrait, grandparents who still count on her arrival, and friends who insist on chipping away at what's left of her ransom.
i admit there've been times i've despaired, times i wanted to throw in the towel, but whenever i've set out to genuinely seek the Lord on this matter, i continue to hear the same whisper, "wait." His promises cannot be broken. it's simply not possible.
i was reminded of this truth recently while reading Genesis 15. the words jumped clear off of the page... after the Lord promised Abram a grand family and a glorious land, Abram asked for proof. God obliged by giving him instructions to set up a binding contract (when the Jews entered into any kind of legal agreement, they did so by splitting animals in two, standing in the midst of the carcasses, and clasping each other's wrists while walking through the blood. aka: a blood covenant.) God asked Abram to enter into this covenant with Him. after Abram set the scene so to speak, he fell into a deep sleep wherein God spoke a more detailed version of His promise to give him the land and countless descendants. but then as Abram awoke, he saw that God had been there - not just meeting him halfway as the covenant calls for, but walking the entire length ALONE.
God met both their ends of the bargain Himself- in the same way He's sent Jesus to meet our end of the bargain through a cross. He paid it all. Abram simply took God at His word- just as we must in order to enter into the "Promised land" (i.e - an eternity with God).
Believe. that's it.
in essence, this season is a test of faith. will i take God at His word and believe what He's already promised in more than hundreds of proofs or will i allow my feelings and flesh to take the reigns and give up?
in my waiting i know this much is true: when i draw near to Him, He draws near to me. He's managed to peel away the hardened layers of my heart to show me tidbits of His plan. and although I've never asked Him for proof as Abram did, i endlessly plead WHY?!
you know what? He's given me new perspective...
through a lens of grace.
waiting is pruning. waiting is molding, waiting is extracting the muck, waiting is also allowing faith to bloom. it begs the question, will you believe Me? will you trust Me? grace abounds through faith and through humility (i.e. the end of your self sufficient rope)
paradoxically, grace is more often than not a blessing in disguise.
that said, i've got to slap self into submission on this one.
'cause this blog ain't done.
i believe Him.