The Change Project (Part I)

When I last left you in January I had a post much like this one ready and drafted, but for some reason my heart held back. There must have been more to learn. 

More to learn, indeed....

I mentioned I started the year in a funk. But if I am as [brutally] honest as I claim to be, I wonder, when have I not been in some sort of funk? The news of losing E became a sort of tipping point for me, only to prove my ever-existing "funk" that much more evident.

This past summer I was given a diagnosis I never fully came to terms with, nor fully divulged here. ADHD, or more specifically, Limbic ADHD without the H. At first I wasn’t sure whether to be gravely upset or blissfully relieved. You mean all of the self-deprecation, the non-stop hibernating, the never ending need for my brain to be highly stimulated, the purposeful juggling, the intense hyperfocusing, the bouncing to and fro from various interests, the impulsive and compulsive behaviors, the time management issues, the lack of follow through, and the inability to prioritize actually has a name?

I thought it was just me who generally sucked most the time. 

Sure, I can cope with most of those things.. shoot, I’ve done it for a whole 30 years now. But what’s become more and more debilitating is that funk I’m left in from the constant negative thoughts and emotions. It's the self loathing that eats away at the quality of life I yearn for.

I was thankful and relieved to know this is a real thing (hey, I'm not crazy, lazy, or stupid after all!), albeit, full of shame. I didn’t tell a soul at first- besides Adam, (duh). And when I finally did muster the courage to explain to certain people, it was kind of... well, awkward. (Perhaps it will be even more so now- ha! yup, blogging does that.)

But then I guess I would have reacted the same way before I had done my research. When you hear the term ADHD, your first thought might call to mind that unruly little boy who couldn’t sit still in your 4^th grade class. Your second, “good excuse!”

  

Of course most adults can happily function with ADHD – in fact the psychologist who did our psych evals for the adoption constructively expressed it as a unique and fun way to encounter the world. noting that ADHDers are actually quite brilliant – but for me, I see it as the root of my negativity and inability to forgive myself. I set my bar high. I get sucked into a zone, I can’t maintain friendships or even text message properly for that matter (consider this a reply if i owe you a text). I throw not just pity parties weekly, but guilt parties daily. And sadly, it’s as if I know better, yet feel very stuck where I am. I'm constantly battling...myself.

Strive as I might I could not kick these problems/symptoms/sins/whatever you want to call them on my own. I needed help. So.. I ignored God (since He obviously had nothing to say on the matter - enter sarasm) and sought out a psychiatrist. In the course of just six months I've been told by various doctors many different things. I may have bi-polar disorder, to which I laughed out loud (in her face, no less). Or possibly post-traumatic stress disorder (from abuse I suffered as a child). Anxiety (maybe) and don’t forget OCD tendencies (okkkay)...

But then, get this. Then, as a form of therapy I was suppose to journal my negative thoughts and talk back to them with more positive ones. Wha? I mean I get it, but how is that going to solve…

Stop right here. The reality is I’ve never been a big fan of psychological labeling. I find it sort of funny that we have so many, I guess. I mean Oppositional Defiant Disorder? Really? Isn't that also known as a BRAT? I’m weary of these labels because in some cases all it does is suppress our need -our dependency really- for a personal and loving God.

Change. All I’ve wanted my whole life through is to change. change. change. change. Why can’t I just change into what I want to be? I make lists, I perform rituals, and every year I fail. Resolutions are fun, but they are mostly a joke. I always think this year, this month, this day I will change those habits, and end these negative emotions forever.

What I’ve come to find out is nobody can change me, except the God who changes my entire identity. Though my goals might seem helpful in changing my behavior for a little while, what really needs to change is my HEART. 

Thus, the change project. 

…to be continued.

{Disclaimer: I’m not trying to downplay the many mental battles people may face today such as depression, anxiety, etc. Nor am I implying we should never seek therapy or use medication. But I do think believers sometimes forget they have a better prescription.}


sigh. que the crickets..