i seem to break every blog rule there is.. you can't pin me down in this place. i guess i just have a big mouth.. with no direction or niche and i don't care that it's not a mon-thurs or 6 am for that matter. i don't comment on blogs unless i know the person.. and any attempt to promote myself is purely an attempt to reach more people to "get it." to see what the Gospel looks like- lived out. take one wreck of a person with crud up the yingyang + zero hope, and give them Jesus. see faith in action, see it unravel or fall apart, but then see it grow. now, rinse and repeat... the cool part is looking back and seeing the transformation over time.. lots of eaten words, lots of ah-ha moments. i am learning. still a beggar, just showing the next beggar where to find bread.
the point of that?
just some super random thoughts i didn't get to deleting for coherency sake ....
im 31 you know.
and so... you'd think that maybe my skin would have matured by now, balanced itself out?
... stopped acting like a 13 year old about to start...
for the past, more-than-half-my-life, i have dealt with bad skin.
always just dealt.
nothing in the world could change it. and if it's out there, i've tried it.
proactiv - check!
murad - check!
mario badescu - check!
apricot scrub- check!
birth control- check!
clarisonic - check!
the oil cleansing method - took my skins months to recover -check!
tack all that on to, oh maybe..
half the skin care aisle in the drug store - neutragena, clearisil, aveeno, etc. etc.!!!
i even sought the dermatologist who prescribed 2 different antibiotics to reduce the amount of bacteria causing my acne. i also got to take home various creams
to my dismay, none of this worked. nuh-thing.
but along with having bad skin, i am a picker..
since i was six i would sit there and find places on my body that felt bumpy (usually a skinned knee)- an imperfection,
and i would proceed to "make it flat."
never mind that i'd be bleeding all over the place or that my face looked like a mine field just went off,
it was an urge, like an uncontrollable tic, i did it so subconsciously.
was it simply a cycle...
bad skin is to pick as pick is to bad skin?
desperate, i searched you tube videos on dermatilamania.
i found ways to control this discussing, humiliating habit.
i use prayer, but i also found a cool eastern medicine tapping technique.. i'll let you youtube that.
it's actually really neat- if you have compulsive fidgeting issues.
i also stumbled upon a few videos of a girl with similar struggles..
her feelings on the matter were identical to mine.. helpless.
she directed me to acne.org
after watching the video on acne.org, i was shocked to find out, wait a minute, that is the same exact routine my doctor recommended. what he failed to tell me was the exact timing of application, as well as the percentage of active ingredient.
at the time i watched this video, my skin problems were all coming to an ugly head (ha!). i was depserate. i was embarrassed. i was sick of having to coverup, of feeling like a 13 year old, of not seeing myself in the mirror - of only seeing my flaws.
now, why am i telling you all of this.. and what do you care? you (a large percentage of you) probably don't and that's okay, but someone out there does. someone reading this has dealt with similar skin issues - they know the hopelessness and the shame. it's silly, it really does sounds silly in a forum such as this, but it's a real thing rooted in fear and anxiety, and wounds that run deeper than you can even bear to dig through. it's need for perfection, control, relief.
and because there is no point in hoarding my happy findings.. i wanted to share with whomever might be
:: a gentle -unmedicated- cleanser. Purpose Gentle Cleansing Wash
:: benzoyl peroxide -2.5% no more, no less. i got the CVS version of this
:: moisturizer -non-comedogenic, unmedicated. CeraVe Facial Moisturizing Lotion
after you get these products or similar ones, follow this routine to a T.
my biggest faux pas was not letting my face take time to dry off before the next step. also, sleeping with my makeup on, and not always using a moisturizer.. actually, never using moisturizer at night.
two weeks of this regimen and my skin is 85-90% clear.
turns out, the picking = bad skin + bad skin = picking is true. granted, the desire to fidget is still there. and if you have a tip for that, i will take it.
anyhow, i hope this post helps someone.
having been diagnosed with mild to moderate acne, and after trying everything under the sun, only to throw my hands up, it's gotta have some validation.
[that's me, unfiltered, on camera. for like the first time ever.]