April 10, 2014

everything has changed



hi.
if anyone is still out there... surely you've given up on me by now.
i kinda dropped the blog roll ball. broke a bunch of rules. lost most my friends.
it's cool tho.

life is still livable. it's the usual frenetic pace, you know.
... except 1000 times worse!
change is upon us.
change you couldn't wrap your brain around if you've read this blog for any length of time.
4 kids under 6 with that crazy schedule i posted way back when just about put me away with a 51/50 on my record.

and don't say you didn't see it coming. i have all kinds of people ask me how how the hell i do it all.      
wouldn't it have been better to ask me why i do it at all?

well, you might say my appetite for approval was insatiable.

yup, i finally cracked.
the pressure had become so much to keep up with, the ever-increasing pace drenched in a lie. i couldn't even cope with the coping mechanism i created here as a diversion to survive.

i had no other choice but to drown in my own failed efforts for acceptance.
nope, i couldn't do it all.
so i stopped doing it.
and when i finally threw my hands in the air, i realized i wasn't drowning after all.
in fact, i was floating.
free.

in a let-it-all-hang-out kind of mentality
i found ME. the real one!
the christine with no fear.
the christine who crushes eggshells.
the christine who gave up on mounting the horse bigger than her house and instead deflated him.
so.... messes abound.
guess what? it's okay. i'm human.
my flaws are merely quirks
my failures nothing more than an incentive to succeed.

once i was able to simply be who i am- and with no remorse,
i felt released from the need to constantly fluff up my identity in order to feel my worth.
we all know worth isn't tied to accomplishment (but do we believe it?)

i am. therefore i am loved.
period. that's all folks.
shall i repeat?
i am (effed up and all).
and i am loved as is.

it's amazing. i can finally live, and love, and suck down air without ever needing to do more and more and more to feel good enough.

i found my voice in that freedom.
i found my freedom in that voice.

so here i am....

everything has changed.
(recaps to follow.)






6 comments:

  1. I love you for you! I'm so proud of you! I'll always be here for you. As far as losing friends if someone turns their back on you becuase you changed they were never your friends. True friends stickwith you through the bad times. The people that turn your back on you during the bad times whenever really your friend. Love you

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  2. I love you dearly friend!! My back hasn't turned. I feel as if I stood there jumping up and down waving for awhile and after a bit or not bing seen, or wanted, I just stood there waiting. Always there. My approach. Bad. I should have come running, and banging on doors, not just standing in one spot jumpin and waiting. What happened. At one point I came running, showing up at your door, almost iun announced. I got scared. Scared that you wouldn't approve, scared that you didn't want a friend. Scared.... Scared I'd get hurt. I didn't take the risk. Instead, knowing your hurting. I sit. I watch. I cry. I pray. I did not run to you with open arms. That's not fair. You don't deserve that. I should have shown up anyway. I'm writing all this in past tense. I should show up anyway. There's still time. I'm sorry for being selfish. I'm sorry for not running. For not knowing how to be te friend you need. For assuming you'd ask if you needed me. I know better. We are so much alike in so many ways. Lame that I truly didn't see it before. That Id make excuses. Ive talked to Nick about it many times.
    Expect me to just show up and not be afraid to ring the door bell. I love you friend. I'm always here, and I know that's not enough.

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  3. Oh my, you have been through a whirl wind girl. I haven't always been in your inner circle, but I've always considered you an amazing friend. Whatever you need, please don't hesitate to call, even if it just to vent, get it off your chest, whatever. Strength lies within, and it is in times of change that it will pour out of you. As our lives move on to new chapters, the roles of people in your life will change, some will stick around to stand by your side through it all and some will slip away.

    I'm so glad you've found "YOU" in all the craziness. That is what is most important. Think this calls for a girls night so we can go out and celebrate your next chapter!

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  4. I'm still here, still reading, still praying for you and your sweet family. :) xo

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  5. sending you love as always ... xoxo Cathy

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  6. You are. And you ARE loved. Preapproved and accepted by Him. Always. Never forget. Sending so much love to you, friend...xo

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