April 10, 2014
everything has changed
if anyone is still out there... surely you've given up on me by now.
i kinda dropped the blog roll ball. broke a bunch of rules. lost most my friends.
it's cool tho.
life is still livable. it's the usual frenetic pace, you know.
... except 1000 times worse!
change is upon us.
change you couldn't wrap your brain around if you've read this blog for any length of time.
4 kids under 6 with that crazy schedule i posted way back when just about put me away with a 51/50 on my record.
and don't say you didn't see it coming. i have all kinds of people ask me how how the hell i do it all.
wouldn't it have been better to ask me why i do it at all?
well, you might say my appetite for approval was insatiable.
yup, i finally cracked.
the pressure had become so much to keep up with, the ever-increasing pace drenched in a lie. i couldn't even cope with the coping mechanism i created here as a diversion to survive.
i had no other choice but to drown in my own failed efforts for acceptance.
nope, i couldn't do it all.
so i stopped doing it.
and when i finally threw my hands in the air, i realized i wasn't drowning after all.
in fact, i was floating.
in a let-it-all-hang-out kind of mentality
i found ME. the real one!
the christine with no fear.
the christine who crushes eggshells.
the christine who gave up on mounting the horse bigger than her house and instead deflated him.
so.... messes abound.
guess what? it's okay. i'm human.
my flaws are merely quirks
my failures nothing more than an incentive to succeed.
once i was able to simply be who i am- and with no remorse,
i felt released from the need to constantly fluff up my identity in order to feel my worth.
we all know worth isn't tied to accomplishment (but do we believe it?)
i am. therefore i am loved.
period. that's all folks.
shall i repeat?
i am (effed up and all).
and i am loved as is.
it's amazing. i can finally live, and love, and suck down air without ever needing to do more and more and more to feel good enough.
i found my voice in that freedom.
i found my freedom in that voice.
so here i am....
everything has changed.
(recaps to follow.)
Posted by ~CCC